Love, the thing we all strive for in life. It
was always what I desired most. To be loved by people
and to show them love and gentleness in return.
As a child I was always seeking the love of
people. Anything I could do I thought would
please them that is what I did. I can remember
my mama telling me as a little girl she loved to hear
me sing. Even back then God had placed a song
in my heart. I have a very few recollections as a
child. I can remember Easter egg hunts with the
whole family after attending church on Easter
morning. I remember my first crush when I was
in the second grade. I also remember the little boys
name. I remember tutoring smaller children when
I was in the fifth grade, helping them learn to read,
and loved it. I have a few more glimpses of things
like that, but not many. I mostly remember
moving into a new house and my Mother not wanting to
listen to me sing anymore. (For the record, my Mother
is a wonderful woman, who is also a licensed minister
today, and has been saved now some 23 years or
so. Today she is my best friend. She has
her own story and will share it with anyone whom the
Lord puts in her path to share with. But she is
also part of my story.) I became fearful of her
and hated the home I was living in at a very young
age. My parents had stated to drink
heavily. I can not tell you the first time I
took a drink, but I can tell you it was many years
later until I was to be delivered from this horrible
life suffocating addiction. Through it all, I
was still looking for someone to love me. I
also wanted to be a healer in peoples lives.
Always first on hand to offer sympathy to my
friends when they needed it, whether they broke up
with a fellow, or were hurt by mean careless
words. Addiction left me powerless to do
anything but hurt instead of heal. I had lost
my song.
I remember a bad accident I
was in when I was eighteen years old. I should
be dead that accident. It was really bad, I
flipped a truck loaded with concrete blocks and went
through the windshield on a very high bridge over the
inter-coastal water way in south FLA., But God
preserved my life. This was when my Mother was
saved and she has stood for Christ every since.
She was too drunk to take me to the hospital and my
sister got really afraid for me. My uncles came the
next day to take me to the hospital. My older
sister was worried because I wouldn't wake up.
The only thing I remember during the space of about a
week, was my uncle leaning over the back seat of the
car, and over and over he was saying,
"Marilyn, Jesus loves you. Jesus loves you
he really does." Well I wasn't sure who
this Jesus guy was but I knew it had something to do
with God, I thought I remembered that from
childhood. I believed what they were saying.
That this Jesus really did love me, because even
though I felt I wasn't part of this world, I had a
warm good feeling about me I later understood as the
peace of God. I was not afraid. I felt
like I did when my Daddy used to hold me after a fall
and whisper you are okay, Daddy's girl is okay.
The Lord was giving me comfort. And as ignorant
to spiritual things as I was I somehow knew inside of
me, that my other uncle who was driving was praying
to this Jesus on my behalf. I never heard his
voice, I just knew, somehow, that he was.
During these later teen
years I was in a bad relationship with a guy who was
very abusive. He beat me often. One night
we were all out getting drunk and he had taken way
too many downers (drugs) along with it. He
wrecked the car at the drive-in, and sped off. A
friend and I were screaming to get out of the car he
was driving so bad. We were so afraid. he
pulled over let us out and threw a beer can at me,
missing my eye by a fraction of an inch. I
received eight stitches right at the rim of my eye
lid, and the emergency room doctor scolding me about
staying with this guy. Telling me how lucky I
was to still have my eye, for I wouldn't had the rim
of the can hit just a tad higher. I now
have scar tissue build up from it. It took me several
years to get out of this relationship. I would
run away and he would come after me. I finally
moved out of state. You know... I can name
countless times, I should be some kind of statistic,
BUT, today I know it was the hand of the Lord that
kept me alive. And it was soon after this I had
my first experience with Church. Whew was that a
culture shock! I was raised on the beaches of south
Fla. My lifestyle was completely different and I
didn't realize what the big deal was. I now know I
went to the wrong church. They were very legalistic
and fanatical. Now I did need to clean up my act mind
you but these folks were viscous! Did I want any part
of that? NOT! If that was God I didn't want it!
Well, after going to
church and being hurt to the bone by a few mean
spirited people who thought I was "to sinful and
a reproach to the church" (their exact words) I
vowed I would never go back. God was to mean,
and I was to bad. He could not help me.
And I was really searching for some love and
guidance. Needless to say I didn't get it and I left.
There's a good lesson here... if your not being fed
only judged your in in the wrong church. And I have
scripture to back it up if you need it email me.
After a few more years of heartache and headaches, I
found myself in a treatment facility, hopeless,
alone, homeless, and scared. I did
maintain some sobriety for a few years. But
still I had a feeling deep inside me this would not
last. I knew there had to be more to living
than just a 12 step program. I knew deep inside
me that contentment in sobriety alone was futile to
me. But still all I knew of God was the
experience I had with these people. I was at a
turning point, lost, miserable, and depression was my
friend. I tried time and again to have some
sort of spiritual life and kept coming up
short. I didn't know I couldn't achieve this on
my own.. and didn't realize that was what I was
trying to do. Make it on my own power. Even some of
my family and friends had given up hope for me.
Finally, very miserable with my life, and everything
and everyone in it. I tried Church one more
time. They tell you in the 12 step programs
that one of the promises is God will do what I cannot
do for myself. And this time God did for me what I
could not do for myself. He lead me to a place
where the people would never give up or shrink back
in their desire to root me in the word of God.
This was no easy task for them or for me. You
see the word (Bible, scripture)is like a
mirror. When you begin studying the Scriptures,
you see all the stuff hiding in that dark place in
us. ( I call it the mind! LOL) when your in that
place you don't realize what's in there. I had so
much envy,lying, bitterness, (and boy was I bitter at
life) hatred, and strife. All those creepy
crawly things that will choke every fiber of
life from a person. It was not a pretty
picture. I tell you it scarred me to think that
was who I really was. A person ruled and living off
those emotions alone. My first reaction was denial.
We NEVER want to admit that stuff is in us. It's all
"those other people" who make me insane!
Well this stuff was keeping me drunk. They were
my excuses that I had hidden away to justify my
behavior. I can remember sitting at my Pastors table,
arguing with him. That's how messed up I was.
Dying on the inside desperately knowing I needed help
and I argued with him! But somewhere in him, he had
the grace of God working in him to show me true mercy
and patience. If it were me in his shoes I would
of washed my hands of me! But he continued to
disciple me in the word. Night after night.
Every single night there wasn't church services, I
was at his kitchen table till many times 1:00 in the
morning. Now that is Gods patience. Not man's. I
would have told me to go home. We did this for 14
months straight.. night after night. I even
washed my clothes at their house, I grabbed a burger
and ate it on the way. And He would get out his bible
when he saw me pull up. We didn't miss one night in
that 14 months! Now that is true mercy. When you lay
down your life for another. There is a scripture
saying that, and I always thought it was talking of
dying for someone. I learned there are many ways to
lay down your life for another. And that is what he
and his wife did for me and I will ever be grateful
for their obedience to the Lord. They had 4 small
children and still sat with me every night 6 hours at
a time. I stayed at their church for about 10 years,
and I never really knew the impact this time at their
table had on me until bad things started happening in
my life again, and by faith I stood through them all.
I'm now back at that same church.
Well the bad stuff did come.
I was diagnosed at 32, with crippling Rheumatoid
Arthritis. I have always been very
active. Worked 10 hours a day in a beauty shop,
and still managed to keep my house clean, help with
vacation bible school, Volunteer as youth minister,
and I was also on the praise and worship team singing
every service. Busy, busy, busy. Oh and I was a
compulsive clean freak. I would mop my kitchen floor
every night. (rotflol) But whammo there I was sick.
Very sick. A few of "those well
meaning" people really tried to help. They
would tell me stuff like "you need to get rid of
the bitterness in your life, or you have some sin
causing this, it was a very hard time, I had
dealt with that stuff long before and I wasn't bitter
at anyone. It got so bad I started questioning
my salvation. Feeling all the nights at the
pastors table were wasted. BUT, all of a sudden
all that word, rose up on the inside of me, and I was
able to stand and not give in, with the help of my
church members and friends. I did loose my gall
bladder, I had damaged kidneys and a very bad
stomach, because of all the medications I was
on. And God has helped me learn to live with
this and cope. And I have much peace in my life.
A Merry heart really is like a medicine. More
bad stuff again! Two years after the diagnosis when I
was 34 I found myself in the midst of a bad divorce.
Again I felt I had failed. And that was when I met my
late husband and he was a blessing from the Lord. We
were only married for 3 short years. But that is
another testimony in itself, that one day I will try
and sit down and tell you. I learned so much of the
love of our Father through this time. He died with
Melanoma cancer at the age of 36, leaving behind 5
beautiful children. I have a few pages on those time
in the From Merry's heart section.
In walks more bad stuff. On September 22, 1998, I
worked my last day on a public job. I became ill with
the arthritis and by December 12,99 I was declared
disabled. I am trying so hard to learn how to live
this "new life" I have. I have started my
pages on my road down Rheumatoid Arthritis and the
things I had to walk through and learn. You can find
that here in the section called The Oxy moron-Chronic disease and faith
Again and again and again, tragedy tries to knock at
my door. But God has been faithful to me through them
all.
Now let me tell you
how. To look at my life, looks like the path
of destruction left by a tornado. But I
am still here. And it is all because of what
God has done for me. As I sat night after night for
14 months straight, drinking in the word of God,
I learned to stand in spite of the storm. How
to be planted in the house of the Lord. I learned who
I was in Christ. Not who I was in the eyes of
the world. I learned to be content and at peace
is just like Isaih said in
Is:50:7:
For the Lord GOD will help me; therefore shall
I not be confounded: therefore have I set my face
like a flint, and I know that I shall not be
ashamed. (KJV)
I started searching for
scriptures on hope, peace and Joy. And there is
much to be said about it. The Lord tells us
that a Merry heart is a medicine but a broken spirit
will dry the bones. Bones is where your marrow
and blood are produced. And the life is in the
blood. he tells us to give portions where none
is given, for the Joy of the Lord is our strength, I
started looking for someone to give to, I started
looking for the sunset, for the colors in the
sky just before it sets, I watched the leaves die and
come to life again in the spring. I started
sharing my deepest hurts with others who were in
need, and giving them the hope that can only come
from God. In return the Lord did what he said
he would do in his word. The Bible tells us in
Is:61:3:
To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to
give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for
mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of
heaviness; that they might be called trees of
righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he
might be glorified. (KJV)
He gave me
beauty for ashes, he took my mourning and gave me
Joy, he took the spirit of heaviness and depression
form me and gave me a garment of praise. HE GAVE ME
LOVE. He gave me back my song!
I encourage you today.
never give up on the seemingly hopeless case God has
set before you. That person just may be the
next Billy Graham. I heard a minister say on
radio one day "the reason God allows trials to
come our way even when we are doing everything right,
is to remind us we are dust and can do nothing
without him". With everything I have been
through in my lifetime, and still be able to survive,
can only be HIS grace. As David said "He
delivered me from the pit." he placed a
song back in my heart. But I had to be brave enough
and bold enough to look at the mess I had made of my
life. I had to acknowledge it and ask God to remove
it. Then I had to replace it with the word.
Then I had to do the hardest thing ever, Forgive
myself.
Love will turn the hopeless
family member or friend to Christ. It did for
me. If you will remember in my story, the
things I remember most about people ministering to me
were all positive. My uncle telling me Jesus
loves me. Instead of scolding me for the
lifestyle I was living. Had they told me I was
going to hell had I not changed my ways, it would
have had no effect on me. But even while I was
hopelessly addicted to alcohol, I could still hear
those words ringing in the very depth of my
being. "Jesus loves you, he really
does." And I have found the peace
that never fades or goes away. People did not
understand why I didn't have a nervous breakdown that
could have kept me bound forever when terrible
tragedy hit. They didn't understand the smile I
could smile when the storm was raging high.
They didn't understand when temptation came knocking,
why I didn't return to my sense of oblivion
with alcohol, I decided to not be destroyed but reach
out in faith to a God that I had no doubt
whatsoever loved me. Or why I even had the
strength to get up and keep on going. The Joy
of the Lord is your strength my friend. And He
does tell us plainly that in this world we will have
tribulation. But then he tells us to be of good
cheer, because he overcame the world. One day
there will be no more tears in Him. That
is a promise.
I am so glad people never
gave up on me. My Mother was one of them.
They loved me when I was unlovable. And the one
you love will be walking in victory too.
Paul called himself the chief of sinners. This
guy went around actually murdering Christians.
He would spy around and seek them out. Then he
would have them stoned. What a horrible way to
die. But Paul wrote over half of the New
testament under the inspiration of the Holy
Spirit. Most of His ministry was spent behind
bars preaching this same Jesus he killed people for
believing in. Jesus died for him too. Jesus
died for the whole world. That means that mean
drug addict in your family, or the drunk driver who
killed your loved one. Love never fails.
I have victory in my life today because someone
thought I was worth saving. Someone allowed the
fruit of the Spirit to operate in their life and
reach out to me.
Are you hurting today?
Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired? Are
you lonely? Jesus said he would be a friend
that would stick closer than a brother. We can NOT,
make everything right in our lives, but Jesus can. He
will meet you right where you are. In the
penthouse or the ditch. Peace and Joy can be found.
He can take a broken piece of clay and put it back
together. Come to the master potter today, and he
will lovingly and gently mend your heart and
life. He thinks you are worth it. So much that
he died a horrible bloody death so you can live. And
he places people in your life all the time to extend
that grace. Invite him to be your savior today. Just
confess your sin before him and ask him to come into
your heart and save you and HE WILL!
Use this handy drop down menu to
navigate this site easier
